The Epics of Owain
by thinkaman22
Summary: The legendary tales of the hero of heroes, the great Owain!
1. Legendary Roll Call

Together we stood, heroes about to transcend the tales of men, and transcend to the tales of... Tales better than men! It was a momentous occasion, and my allies stood ready to change the very fabric of time itself! It is a tangled fabric, tied by the knots of misery, and colored a vivid magneta by the sorrow of war! But we shall untie these knots with the fine trained hands of heroism, and will change the color with the paint of justice! My cousin Lucina stood at the front of the gate, and delivered a rousing speech,

"Dearest friends and family, we stand here today to change the course of time itself. It may be an impossible task, but together we can go through and save the world from the disaster of the fell dragon! All of you..."

"Cynthia."

She replied with a passionate, "Of course!" It was a passionate of course, so passionate was her passion that if the passion of her passionate 'Of course' would be placed on the scale of the most passionte passions, it would passionately be placed as the most passionate!

"Kjelle."

She replied with an earth-shattering nod. Kjelle was a confident young woman, with such a level of honor that the great king Marth would be dubbed a monsterous fiend in comparrison! Nay- he would be dubbed an even worse stain than a stain of yellow juice on the crotch of humanity!

"Brady."

The man replied with a nervous gulp. He was by far the most intimidating of the heroes of light, but he had naught the power to defeat a fly! But he was still here, ready to aid us in whatever way he could. Quite honorable, and worthy of a place among us!

"Laurent."

The man replied with a dramatic push up of his glasses. They were quite a legendary pair, with glass made in the forge of the heavens, legs chisled by master blacksmiths, and bridged together by metal from Naga's sword!

"Yarne."

The mighty bunny warrior squealed, but ultimately nodded. To his credit, his squeal was so terrifying that it would strike fear into the hearts of men everywhere. However, I merely laugh at such war crys, so I laughed at him!

"Severa."

The dame replied with a grunt, and a very sarcastic one at that. Her grunts could convey more emotion than any other, and are often seen as the standard that all grunts only dare to reach!

"Nah."

The young woman saluted. She was very well kept together for her young age. She must have been kept together by the sticky honey of the gods, for she will never lose herself!

"Noi-"

"HOW DARE YOU WAIT SO LONG TO CALL MY NAME! I AM NOIRE, THE VERY WOMAN WHO WILL SINGLE HANDEDLY DESTROY ALL THOSE WHO STAND IN MY WAY! HA HA HA HA!"

... Wow. Even I have nothing to say to that.

"... Okay... Inigo."

The flirt replied with a smile that was so bright, the sun rose in jealousy! How the women could possibly refuse this great hero is beyond my mortal comprehension!

"Morgan."

The young woman nodded, but was busy writing things down in her book. That book of strategy must be so impressive that even the world's smartest man would be left unable to triumph over it's secrets!

"Gerome."

The man clenched his teeth, "I have no business with your delusions of saving the world. I am here to send Minerva off with her kind, then rid my name of history books forever."

GASP! What shall we do about this sudden change of events? You'll have to read the next chapter to find out! Now you may loathe me for giving such a terrifying cliffhanger, but a true hero always leaves you in suspense! Next time:

Chapter 2: Seriously Serious!


	2. Seriously Serious

The Epics of Owain Chapter Two: Seriously Serious

My dearest cousin knew naught how to deal with such blind arrogance! Personally, I believe a righteous slap to the face would be the proper treatment, but we are heroes, not barbarians! Since no one countered Gerome's arrogance, it fell on my shoulders to save the day!

"You fool! Do you not see the destiny laid before you? You'll be going on this quest to save the world from the Fell Dragon!"

Gerome started to anger, "Owain cut the damn-"

"The Fell Dragon!"

"I get it, you're fighting-"

"THE FELL DRAGON!"

"Goddess damnit, Owain! Give me one good reason to fight with you!"

Ah, he's giving me a chance to use my fine art of persuasion! He'll now see the silver tongue that won me The Great Cape Debate of 1023!

"Do you know how many people lose thier lives everyday to the risen? Do you know just what happens when the poor maidens of this world are stolen? Do you know how much life is sucked into the monsterous black hole of chaos? It's a black hole the sucks away love, life, and the childrens! DO IT FOR THE CHILDRENS!"

Everyone stared at my great speech! Cynthia started to clap, but was stopped when she realized everyone else was to stunned to do so! Gerome was the most surprised,

"Wow. You just presented, in full and vivid detail, a completely nonsensical arguement."

... Okay, I'm going to have to take this seriously serious for a minute.

"Gerome, listen to me. I know you care for everyone dep down. You can try to hide it, but I know you love us, and I know you miss your parents. You can love, and the fact that you're trying to give Minerva a new home is proof to me that you care."

Gerome stood there a few minutes, processing what I said. I could only pray the message got through to him, because he then stormed off into the portal, traveling ahead of us. ... So, now that he's gone...

*Ahem!*

With that crisis hopefully quelled, my valiant sword hand hungered for time traveling escapades! With a quick prayer to Naga, I too leaped through the portal, ready to save the world!... Though I wonder just where it will take me. You know, it would really suck if it put me several feet in the air...

Next time: Chapter 3- Falling from several feet in the air!


	3. Falling From Several Feet in the Air!

Chapter 3: Falling From Several Feet in the Air!

... I'll be frank with you. My razor sharp wit and clever ability is a little... weak at the moment. The title of this chapter is slightly misleading... I'm falling a little more than a few feet. How many am I really falling by?... If you're falling for twenty minutes straight, how many feet is that? ... But I cannot despair! I am Owain, the master of the sword set out to save a ruined future! I will slay the dragon that brought about the figurative stench of despair and the literal stench of corpses to the masses! I just really hope that I think of something before I hit the ground... Oh! I know! I shall take advantage of this time to thank my dearest readers for reading my mighty tales of chivalry and intrigue!

Total Nerd Girl, I'll have you know that I do not use passion that often! And that the issue of what people think when I hit the ground... They'll probably think, "Dear Naga, that is a heroic splatter of blood!"... My, how my passion for justice will suffer...

King of Awesome, further roll call was unneeded! She did not need to call upon me, for I was simply to powerful and passionate for her to grasp the sheer greatness of my name! O for omnipresent, for I am justice itself! W for winner, for that is what I always do! A for amazing, because of how amazing I am! I for intelligent, for I am so smart I once tricked a fox out of it's fur. True story. Infact, it's fur is still a rug in my house. N for... N for... Nbelievable, because I do the impossible!

Cormag Ravenstaff, hahaha indeed! Though I must know: Is a raven staff a staff made out of ravens? Or is it perchance a staff that shoots ravens? Or maybe a staff that turns people into ravens? Perhaps Inigo's father would know... He always did like ravens...

Smashing Skunk, you are far more than smashing! You are intelligentbeautifulskilledcleverhumorousdashingep icinsanepowerfultalented. Especially the middle one.

Gunlord, you are truely a legend! A lord, if you will! ... Sorry, my humor emiting spell is running low because of how long I've been falling... Oh wait! Land ho! Finally, I can land and... Wait... Landing after falling for twenty minutes... OH NAGA I'M GOING TO DIE!

Author's note: I'm sure he'll be fine.

Next time: Chapter 4 Owain the Witch?!


	4. Owain the Witch!

The Epics of Owain Chapter 4: Owain the witch?!

I'MGONNADIEI'MGONNADIEI'MGONNADIEI'MGONNA-

*ahem*

Today, my brave quest brings me to the world of Ylisse in a most troublesome manner. I'm going to crash into the world from thousands of feet in the air! And my life will end… everything I care about will be gone… OH DEAR GODDESS, LET ME-

*ahem*

Oh, Naga, lend me thy mighty strength! Give me the power to survive this impact…. Preferably without pain, but if you can't manage that, I understand. Oh Naga, I don't want to die.

"You won't have to."

GASP! I look to my right, only to see the Goddess herself! She has come unto me to give me her divine wisdom, her all powerful strength! In my hour of darkness, she is standing there in front of me, whisper words of wisdom, let-

"Owain, calm down. I'm here to tell you you're not dying."

"But of course! With your righteous guidance, I can-"

"Owain, just look around."

I look all around me, seeing that my world is cloaked in holy light! Naga is providing me with a shield of pure light, destined to keep out all darkness and hopefully all land as well! HA! Take that, land! You and your… glowingness? Why is the mighty continent of Ylisse glowing?

"That is not Ylisse, Owain. Nor are you falling towards it at incredible speeds. This is what it feels like to travel through time. That glowing portal is your destination."

"…Why was I not informed of this crucial information!"

"I did tell you. You were just to busy going on about how your sword hand hungers for the blood of fiends long forgotten."

Oh, yeah! I remember now! That was my speech about how my mighty sword hand would crush the evils of the past, roast their asses, and be eaten upon the silver platter of righteousness! Now that I know I'm not dying, I have but one question to ask…

"Where shall I land, oh graceful one?"

She got a surprisingly devilish smirk for a goddess, "Oh, in Plegia… 20 feet in the air above solid rock. Not fatal."

"Oh, well that's good. I wouldn't want to- wait, what?"

The lady then vanished, leaving me ready to go through the portal… on to solid rock…

"NAGA YOU BI-"

Disclaimer: I would like my gracious readers to know that I, in no way, shouted any sort of foul curses at our goddess. I was very pleasant, and called her such things as 'bit', 'wharf', 'class', and 'limbo'…. You know, I'm just going to skip ahead a bit, let's see…

"_Of course, Owain. I'll be by your side forever, my love…"_

Whoops! Too far… let's go BACK a bit…

"_What shall we name him, Fredrick?"_

"…_Owain."_

GAH! Too far back! Let's try this one more time…

His vulgar axe was ready to cleave my head off! He cackled like a starving man finding a plate of homemade apple pies,

"You are under arrest for committing witchcraft by falling out of the sky."

… Close enough.

Next time: Chapter 5 A HARE-y Reunion

Author's note: Naga's personality was inspired by Palentana from Kid Icarus Uprising.


	5. A HAREy Reunion

The Epics of Owain Chapter 5 A HAREy reunion

It seems that magically falling from nowhere in a time portal is called witchcraft in this world! The nerve of it! Falling from the sky should be seen as the pinnacle of heroism! It should land me on the cover of all the portraits on town hall, not in the filth of a cell! The cell isn't even well kept! It's covered in the filth of despair, the dampness of a young woman's tears! The slime of-

"Hey, dumbass!"

I looked to my left, only to see one of the thugs that imprisoned me! He was holding another young man captive!

"We got ya a witch buddy, so play nice!"

He threw this poor man into my jail cell, and left us to suffer! My new mate sat there with his head in his hands, his rabbit ears drooped in sorrow, his- wait, rabbit ears? *GASP* Could it be? The heroic return of…

"Yarne?"

It was! He looked up… then went right back down. Huh.

"What has you so down in the gallows of ruin, my dearest companion?"

He let out a sigh, "I'm not back in time for two hours, and I'm thrown in a cell for witchcraft. Apparently, turning into a bunny is considered evil in this world."

"What? But a bunny is one of the most sacred animals of Naga! It is trumped in greatness only by lions, cats, tigers, ravens, hawks, crows, herons, wolves, and dragons, respectively! How dare that they fail to see the divine power of bunnies!"

Yarne merely sighed, "Wow. Only those eight, huh?"

"Nine."

He rolled his eyes, "Thanks, Owain. You're a real life saver, you know? I could just cry."

"Because you have seen the wisdom in my valiant words?"

"No, because we're going to die. Painfully."

A voice rung from beyond the wall, "Nah, I wouldn't say that, youngin'."

Yarne started to tremble, "Who's there?"

The voice laughed, "Don't worry yer little head off. I'm just your helpful little nieghbor. Now I hear you're here from the future."

"How could you possibly know our quest, when we've been here for naught a day?"

The voice laughed again, "That don't matter none. An old man like me hears things, you know? Anyways-"

He was cut off by the sounds of a cell opening.

"All right, ya lazy drunk. Yer outta here."

The two walked past our cell, and I could see who we were speaking to. The man was garbed in a purple jacket, with black hair hung up in a pony tail. He suddenly clenched his chest in front of us,

"Damn…"

The jailer sighed, "Hurry up, ya old piece a dirt!"

"Fine, fine…"

The two walked off, leaving my bunny and I to ponder over what to do. I looked around the area. All I could see were two beds, a small tub of what was probably toxic water, a small- SOMETHING SHINY! Oh, it's just a jail key. That's not going to be- wait a minute, how did a jail key get in here? Ah! The purple man must have dropped it! I should probably return it to- no, wait! We can use this to escape!

"Yarne, we can-"

But alas, my partner was not there. He had already grabbed the key, and was running away from the cell so quickly not even a rabbit could catch him. Ha ha ha ha! Get it? Rabbit? RABBIT! Ha ha, sometimes I crack myself up! Nevertheless, I pursued him- and the taste of glorious freedom!

Next time: Chapter 6 The good, the bad, and the bunny.

Author's note: I'll write a romance oneshot for any English- released FE pairing for the first signed in user to guess who saved them. Hint: My profile pic will lead the way. (My profile pic, not the story's)


	6. The Good, the Bad, the Bunny

Chapter 6 The Good, the Bad, the Bunny

THE GOOD

Yarne and I sped through that disastrous prison with not even a single distraction! It was as if all the guards were out somewhere! They all must have feared my sword hand! They sensed my aura and fled in fear! I bet I felt like an earthquake trembling through the land, shattering all your fine dinnerware! Or perhaps I felt like a rampaging manakete, burning down all your fine wood! Or maybe I felt like a twister, blowing away all your fine cattle! Whatever I felt like, I knew that was why all the guards were gone!

"Owain, look! It says here that the guards are on a company picnic! Says it's some kind of bonding exercise."

Or that. Nevertheless, the two of us made it out of there with the speed of a rabbit running from the hungry fox. Get it? Rabbit? Oh, I slay myself. We opened the front door, tasting sweet sunshine!

THE BAD

And twenty guards. Twenty, villainous, armed, shielded, guards. Sigh… Things never go the right way for a hero, do they? Just once I would like to walk out of a keep with women waiting to reward me for my efforts. Or maybe I walk out to see bags of money. But then again, a hero's legend is a legend because it is paved in conflict! The leader of the thugs rose up,

"Get back in your jail cell!"

Yarne sighed, "Okay…"

"No! Yarne, you fool! You are a Taguel! A race of super bunnies with unheard of courage! You can defeat these foolish thugs! Gather all the power of the Taguel!"

THE BUNNY

"… You know, Owain? You're right. I AM a Taguel."

He started to sparkle manly sparkles, and transformed into the super bunny! He roared,

"I am a Taguel! Watch in fear as I use my might…"

Everyone stood back in terror, and I knew justice would be-

"To run the hell away!"

Yarne then darted to the side, and ran far away! And farther! And farther! Leaving me alone with twenty guards to deal with.

The thug smirked, "Now who's the foolish thug?"

You know what? I'm going to say it. I ran away. I ran as far away from those men as possible. I was probably screaming, too. But you know what? You can call me a coward. You can say that I was a fool with mere illusions of heroism. But you know what I say to you fools? I may have ran away, but know this-

I ran away to live another day. Sometimes, running is the right thing to do. There are times when a man must be a coward to be a hero.

The more you know.

Next time, Chapter 7: Lost.


	7. Lost

Chapter 7 Lost

… Well, my devoted readers. It seems that we've come to a major… roadblock, so to speak. In my wise decision to escape the Plegians, I seem to have run deep into a Plegian desert. However, I am now… well, you've read the name of the chapter. Now you must be wondering, what ever am I going to do? Thankfully, my dearest companion Yarne had left footprints in the sand, and I can follow them to him! Ah, I can feel it now! I'll be out of this damn desert before the night is through!

*Three hours later*

WHY AM I STILL IN THIS DAMN DESERT!?

Ahem…

What I meant to say was that I fear I misjudged how far Yarne had run. After three hours of traveling, it felt as though my throat was hotter than a Manakete on a rampage! My legs felt like the finest quality jam! And before I knew it, I collapsed, into the desert sands.

THE END

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Ha! You didn't really think I died there, did you? T'was a jest! I was saved by a group of slave traders!… Ironic, now that I think about it. They saw a dashing young man such as myself, and thought 'Dear Naga! That man is so grand and beautiful, we must have him!'. My eyes were covered by a band, and my mouth was gagged. I could not see two feet in front of me, and I could not say how uncomfortable the gag was. Honestly, you'd think slave traders could afford more luxurious gags. All I could hear were a bunch of men and women arguing over some slave that was just sold. After some time, they eventually thrust me onto the stage (Rather harshly, I might add.)

"We'll start the bidding for the brunette male at 1,000 gold."

1,000? They believe my brilliance is only worth a mere 1,000 gold? This is a mockery!

"2,000!"

Ha! Surely you gents can do better than that!

"3,500!"

Bah! My fingernails are worth more than that measly sum!

"5,000!"

Hah! Now-

"6,000!"

Wow, that was-

"8,000!"

Slow down, I-

"10,000!"

"SOLD, for 10,000!"Gah! That happened to quickly for me to explain! I was dragged off stage and placed into the care of a voice that was distinctly feminine. Hah! So a lady realized what a prize I was! What a joyous day! I have been sold to be the slave of a lady! Wait…

As I was being dragged away, I heard the bidding of the next person,

"Now I bring you this lovely lady, starting bid 50,000 gold!"

"75,000!"

"150,000!"

… I was sold for only 10,000... I'll have to get uncle Chrom to make slave trades less sexist…

Next time: Chapter 8 A Proper Grooming


End file.
